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Most days I really, really despise Blogger. Hopefully this time it will stick!

Wordless Wednesday

Five months and already getting a 'tude

Munchkin -

In two days, you will be five months old. I can hardly type that out without shaking my head, wondering how I possibly could have blinked and missed so much time. I barely remember the first six weeks, which is a shame - it's what I refer to as P.C. Pre-Colic, or Pre-Chaos.

Yesterday, I plopped you into your baby seat, hooked up the toy bar, and went to the bedroom to switch out the laundry. Within five minutes, I heard you whining, and of course I came running. You had knocked OFF the toy bar, rolled to your left side to where you were nearly fully on your stomach, and your legs were hanging off the seat completely, just waving in the air. I had to run to grab you before you fell. Two seconds later, and you would have crash-landed. God, do I wish I could have taken a picture in time with your little butt in the air.

Mommy has learned she has to strap you down into the chair if I must leave the room.

You are not fully rolling yet, but you are getting to both sides like a champ, and all you have to do now is figure out how to kick your leg over for momentum, and you'll be there. We are working on sitting up, and you love to pull up on our hands to do "sit-ups". I took the bumpers off your crib this week, then followed it last night by taking the quilt off the back of your crib, now that you've figured out that you MUST GRAB IT EVERY TIME YOU LOOK AT IT. Now, with just you, the reflux wedge, your puppy and baby doll, and the monitor, it looks like a cage and no longer the little haven I had created for you. I'm sure I will get used to it in time, and it surely doesn't bother you a bit. You have fun spitting out your pacifier and letting it fall behind the dang crib so Mommy has to pull it out from the wall, swearing and annoyed, to retrieve it before you start screaming.

I still have to check on you every half an hour or more to ensure you are breathing. We have an AngelCare monitor installed into your crib, but I have not even tested the breathing functions on it yet, scared for false alarms in the middle of the night. I should probably get on that before you turn 12.

You are doing a wonderful job in physical therapy, and are hitting milestones, even early ones, left and right. You are still on track to roll and sit up on time, hopefully, but even if you don't, I have a funny feeling you will speak early. You are extremely vocal, and love to carry on "conversations" with me twenty times a day. You coo, I coo back, change my vowel sounds, you mimic, etc. You are so smart, it amazes me. Your head tilt and such are improving a little bit, especially in the last week or so, but not as quickly as we would like, so we are working extra hard. I'm trying very hard to nip this in the bud so that it doesn't impede your physical milestones and result in you crawling and walking late. I wouldn't be surprised if it's why you have not rolled yet. But I am SO PROUD of you, precious girl. You have just stunned your therapist, Missy, and I with your progress. Daddy especially thinks you are incredible!

Speaking of Daddy, he is working so hard for us, and it sometimes means he doesn't get to see you at all until his day off on the weekend. So now, he has changed his second job's schedule, and on his four-day break from the fire dept, he works 6 am to 6 pm at the second job. This puts him home for dinner, playtime, bathtime, and bedtime, as well as Colic Scream Time. Can't help that last one, but he sure loves getting to see you more, and it's building your bond together.

I want you to know right now how much Mommy and Daddy love each other, and how incredibly much we love you. Our little family is the most important thing to us, and raising you to be a well-adjusted, confident, happy little girl is our top priority.

Milestones:
Discovered your feet
Can grab toys with both hands
Can take said toys and get them to your mouth, albeit awkwardly
Can roll to both sides
Can hold head up beautifully, great tummy time this last month
When on tummy, can look around above you in all directions
Can track objects with eyes 100% in all directions
Supported sitting 100%
Occasionally respond to your name, about 1x in 10 (this should get better as you get older)
Laugh at stimulus
Coo, babble, can "hold conversations", belly-laugh
Are learning to hold objects in hands, that are not suspended on toy bar (in the last few days, HUGE)...you used to take them and hit yourself in the head with them
Can hold smaller bottles by yourself, and will attempt larger ones
This week, you can grab the pacifier out of your mouth and sometimes get it back
Can identify bottles and pacifiers and open your mouth accordingly


You make me so proud, and as much as I still want to tear my hair out some days, today was an especially good one. I'm hoping this is the sign of things to come. My happy, sweet little girl was with me today, and oh! How I loved it.


And how I love you.
Mama

Ch-ch-ch-changes!

Chad and I are starting a new time in our lives, starting today. I am getting ready to turn 25, and I am realizing that some big things need to change with myself, one of the first being my weight. I need to lose 40-50 lbs. Now before I get bashed on that, none of you in Indy have seen full shots of me in a very long time, and it will stay that way until I get to my goal. I packed on a good bit of weight during pregnancy (just over what was considered healthy, so it certainly wasn't extreme), and I've lost 20 lbs since she was born, but I was still overweight before I got pregnant. When I look at the pictures taken of me and the baby now, compared to pictures of me in high school or college, the change is UNREAL and I'm ashamed that I've let myself get to this point. Maybe when the weight is gone, I will post some recent pictures and let you see the difference for yourselves.

I am working with Jillian Michael's (The Biggest Loser) 30 Day Shred, and Chad will be working out with me. Either with the Shred, or otherwise. We are both going to completely overhaul the way we eat. He certainly is nothing close to overweight, being 150 lbs soaking wet, but is on the verge of dangerous cholesterol. We'll know for sure his new numbers next month.

I have never had my cholesterol checked, but the women in my family have a very high propensity towards obesity, high cholesterol, high blood pressure, heart attacks, cancer, diabetes, and strokes. Now with all that fighting against me, why wouldn't I do everything I can to get and keep myself healthy?

We are going to be cutting out soda completely (yes Rhiannon, I already know it's unhealthy, heh), which will be a huge change for us. When I was pregnant, it was water and milk all the time. But before and after, I'd say it's 80% soda, 20% milk or juice. Yuck. But the only times I have seen Chad drink anything but soda are when he's dehydrated from work or ill - a total of maybe three times in five+ years. We are going to likely start cutting down carbohydrates in our diet, but I want to do some research on this. I will never go on full-blown Atkins, considering some say it leads to high cholesterol and heart attacks, but I will do some research. Starting from here: http://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pubmed/17093250

I want to leave a healthier legacy for my daughter, and I want her diet to be even more varied than mine may be. I was raised (until Lindsay's type 1 diabetes diagnosis in 2001) with various sugary and fatty foods in our household diet, and I knew my own diet would skyrocket when I left home. I had visions of Oreos for dinner in college, for Pete's sake. Time to make some changes, and I want to fit back into my size 7 jeans and feel comfortable in my swimsuits again, not to mention make myself feel so much better.

So there's the latest stuff! Caia will be five months old on Saturday, and I will update with a letter then, too.

<3

My little girl is 4.5 months old, 20 weeks today...(I think. The weeks are starting to blend into each other.) and I am feeling serious guilt.

She is my entire world. We spend 24 hours a day, 7 days a week together, and thus are very attached to each other. But she is so fussy and so incredibly difficult of a child that it's still hard for me to bond with her to the capacity that I feel I "should". Between GERD, the torticollis, and "colic", she is extremely temperamental sometimes. I feel like I am missing something vital here, and I am so lonely. New motherhood is isolating enough, but when you combine that with a difficult child, I can't even see the proverbial light at the end of the tunnel.

Now don't take this to mean that I haven't bonded with her *at all*, because I have, certainly. All she has to do is smile, with her tongue sticking out and her little nose wrinkled, and I can't help but laugh. She giggles, and my heart melts into a sticky puddle on the floor. But it should be so much *easier* than it is, according to our family and select friends that have actually gotten to spend much time around her. My mother in law in particular is bewildered. All three of her kids were pretty much perfect, according to her, and even she says that Caia is putting in her order to be an only child. Even my husband is starting to talk about stopping here, and that is devastating to me. I don't want her to be an only child, at all. I want two or three kids. I've always wanted a big family, partly to compensate for my lack of one, and even more kids would be great. But after having her, how do we get past this and even think of adding another?

Playing with her naptime pals...

Still here, I promise...

I know I've been terrible at posting lately, but HI! I PROMISE I'M STILL ALIVE! Just dealing with Baby's First Virus. She has been going through diapers like crazy over the last several days, terrible diaper rash that won't go away of course, not eating as much, more fussy than usual, plus a fever. I took her in to Urgent Care last night since her peds office couldn't get her in, and she saw my doctor - he's incredibly annoying and tends to not really listen to his patients. Her white cell count is elevated so I am taking her back to her ped on Friday to have it rechecked.

We have been soaked in rain for the last five days, and the weather report gives no hope for the next week of sunshine, plus we are under a tornado warning tonight until 4 am. GUESS WHO'S NOT SLEEPING?

I have so many reasons why I despise May, and this is just one of them.

Gotta wrap this up, baby is stirring...

Family Visit and 4 month checkup

Chad's mother and grandmother were in town this week visiting us. They arrived Sunday night and left this morning, and stayed here at our tiny apartment with us. I'm surprised they didn't leave cheering after three days in < 900 square feet and 5 people in it.

We had a great time with them, they were such a big help with the baby and helping us get some things accomplished. We got to spend some time with Grandma L, down in Carolina, a little more than usual too.

Wednesday night I learned how to roast a chicken from Grandma D, that was fun. I made that, cheddar garlic mashed potatoes, mac and cheese, and apple cornbread. Pretty darn good, I must say! Now we have enough chicken left over for sandwiches for a week, or a big pot of soup.

Pacibaby started eating rice cereal this week as her first food (if you don't count the nibble of applesauce over the weekend, lol), started Tuesday. That makes today her fourth day, so Sunday I am going to start her on carrots for five or six days before another vegetable. In a few weeks we'll start fruits, since she will like those better. Gotta get the veggies in first! She had some trouble for the first couple of days with figuring out what to do with the spoon and how to swallow the cereal, but today has shown remarkable improvement!

So she had that dreaded four month appointment yesterday. She had another round of shots, 1 oral, two in one leg, one in another. When she had her two month shots, I remember we came home and she slept most of the afternoon away, then was not interested in eating that night. I don't remember how she slept that night. But when we got home yesterday, she napped in her carseat for a little while, then woke ready to play. But by last night, she was running a fever of 100.3 (an hour after Tylenol) and was whimpering, presumably from sore legs. When Chad touched one of them earlier, she cried. Poor baby...during the night she whimpered in her sleep as well. Today, she has not eaten much, about two ounces every two hours, and has napped the majority of the day, many catnaps here and there.

So here's what the new doctor (new practice) had to say:

11 lbs, 2 oz - 20th percentile, up from 5th percentile, but only a 2 lb gain in 2 months
23.5 inches long, a gain of 5 inches since birth, approximately 50th percentile
43 cm head circumference, 90th percentile.

The first two were okay, not happy about the weight, but I still am concerned re: her head size. The doctor reviewed her ultrasound and spoke to the technician who performed it, and called me later in the day to ask me to bring her back in a month for a recheck. She is trying to decide on doing a CAT scan, which I kind of just wish they would go ahead and do already to save me the worry, you know?

She is not concerned about her skull shape, which is sort of becoming a cone in the back because of how she lies during most of sleep, and says along with the PT therapist that it may shape out on its own without a helmet. That is a relief! She signed the orders to continue with therapy, which I'm happy about because she is making such excellent progress. She has begun batting for toys, and keeping her hands open more often to grasp objects. She started reaching for our faces when we get close enough to her yesterday - it is the sweetest thing.

She is early-teething, which accounts for her drastic increase in drooling, and some of the chewing and being whiny. I finally got an accurate dosage amount for the Tylenol, and it has seemed to help. No Orajel for quite some time, of course.

I think that is all for now on the updates. She is growing well, getting long and lean, and hopefully her increase in dosage on the Prilosec will help with her GERD and periods of crying. Poor baby...but at least she's improving in other areas. Here's to an eventful fourth month with my monkey!

I have been terrible at posting lately, so I am making it up to you!

Right now, I am moody, exhausted from PaciBaby's newly discovered love for 2 am, 3 am, and 4 am, scared to death because there is a slight chance that the damn birth control pills I have been relying on have suddenly decided that not only making me a crazy person is fun, but that HEY, YOU SHOULD HAVE ANOTHER KID RIGHT NOW- need I go on?

So instead of reading about my whiny drivel for another second, I introduce: CUTE KID.

How on earth does she sleep this way?

And yes, I do realize that she is so freaking cute, I could eat her alive, but most days, instead of snuggly cuteness, I get this:


I might very well lose my mind.

Sling Things

So we have one sling that she is now too big for, at least to be cradled in:

She can use this one for the hip carry and front-facing carry, but she is yet too small for it, and too large to cradle this way.

One that can only be used standing up:

The Snugli we have is older than this one, so it's a little different. But she really digs it most of the time.

And one that she screams in:

Disappointing, because I really like this one.

...and now that she is over 3 months old, she is now so self-aware and Mommy-aware that she screams, WAILS, whenever I leave her sight. Not only that, but she needs to be constantly stimulated and occupied, or she gets fussy. Meaning, no longer contentedly snoozing in her baby seat.

I am frustrated. I need to hit the lottery so I can buy a larger version of the top sling, and one of these:

It's called a BabyHawk, and it's completely customizable. You pick the fabric, color, inserts, hoods, linings, pockets, etc. Expensive, but super-cool and comfy for Mom and baby, and it also can be used for the back carry, which I'm looking forward to.

Any moms have recommendations for other slings?

save your ammunition for somebody else, I'm all second chances

So PaciBaby has mild torticollis, a shortening of the muscle on one side of her neck. It's resulted in her constantly tilting her head to one side and looking in one direction, and has affected her ability to lift her head when on her stomach and look around. She was diagnosed at her two month well baby visit when the doctor noticed that she could not lift her head when on her stomach (she was previously able to do this) and that she has a flat spot on the right side of the back of her head. That's the side she always turns it to. It's usually a result of her in-utero positioning, and the amount of room she had in there.

She has physical therapy weekly, and thus far she is making wonderful progress. She is turning her head from side to side with nearly full range beautifully. She doesn't like the home exercises, however. The goal for next week is to get her to touch her tummy and to bring her hands together, intentionally. She doesn't look down at her body, and is usually looking upwards towards the ceiling, or at eye-level. If she doesn't learn to look down, it becomes more difficult to teach her that she has a body, with fingers, toes, and a tummy, and this can slow other developments a bit. We've been working on these goals.

I bought her a swaddler this week, a blanket that keeps her swaddled instead of just wrapping her in a receiving blanket that she can kick out of, and she has been sleeping better in it most of the time. I can't believe we deprived OURSELVES out of the wonders of this invention for twelve weeks. I could kick myself.

She is coming up on her three-month birthday on the 30th, and I'm stunned. I swear I just gave birth yesterday. I'm trying to look back and see where all this time went! She has changed so much, learned an incredible amount, and is becoming more beautiful every day. Her smiles and giggles make me laugh even at 3 am when I am irritated to death and beg for sleep. She is learning to hold her head up when sitting up, supported. She is tracking things with her eyes, side to side. She is laughing when she finds things funny, and finds the camera intriguing.

I'm still not sure what I believe about her head and anything that may be going on there, but I am going to let it go until her four month well-baby checkup, unless anything drastic happens.

I am looking forward to everything the future brings the three of us, and we are enjoying every minute with this little munchkin! Now if only she would sleep...

yet another waste of a doctor's visit

After raising heck with the staff yesterday and demanding answers (and repayment of that ER visit), the ped's office called me this morning to tell me that she did actually have fluid on her brain, but that it was in the "range of normal". Then I was transferred from a nurse to somebody in charge (I need to write down these people's names and positions!) and she tried to explain the situation to me. She then said that it would be different if she was screaming like she was in pain, and I told her that that was exactly what she was doing. She is inconsolable most days. She asked if:

- she cried through her feedings (check)
- she cried like she was in pain (check)
- normal ways to relieve colic don't work (check)
- she bats her eyes from side to side (check)

...and several others I can't remember. After answering yes to all of them but one, she said to bring her in tonight to be checked out by another doctor.

So we did, and all he said was that he believed it is STOMACH problems, and prescribed an antibiotic to get her bowels moving and relieve any pain in her abdomen.

.............

I am speechless. Chad says no more doctors, and swears she's fine. The doctors tell me she's fine during the visits, but during the phone calls, they are concerned. I am seeing red at this point. My daughter is not "fine", children who are fine do not scream at the top of their lungs like they are being stabbed with pokers and refuse to eat or sleep.

I don't know what to think.

A scare I never want to have again

For the last week or more, PaciBaby's colic has been increasing in severity, to the point where in the last couple of days, she spent the majority of the day screaming, from dawn to dusk. Her feeding had decreased from 4 oz every couple of hours, to maybe 1.5 oz when we were lucky. I took her in to see her pediatrician yesterday morning, and she saw a nurse practitioner named Melanie. (I will never see an NP again, ever. Doctors only).

She examined PaciBaby and could not find anything obviously wrong, but for one thing. Her head size is increasing, quickly. She increased 1.25 cms since last Monday, 11 days prior, and went from the 50th percentile in head size to the 75th, while her body and weight are still in the 10th.

Alarming, at least to a parent. Melanie ordered a head ultrasound, and within a couple of hours, we were heading to the children's hospital in Norfolk. She screamed the entire time in the waiting room, while I received plenty of dirty looks from unsympathetic parents. I took her to the bathroom to calm down with a bottle while we waited.

The results came in a couple of hours later. A nurse called from the pediatrician's office, and told me that PaciBaby had some fluid on her brain. I immediately start crying, and she tells me that if she continues to scream in the way that she was (in the background) and refuse to eat, that I should take her in to the CHKD emergency room. So, I called Chad and my MIL and he left work to come meet me to get her there.

Luckily, we were seen quickly. Four hours and 100 wasted bucks later, we were told that her results AND THE RADIOLOGIST'S REPORT all came back normal, and left with a diagnosis of....colic.

I AM LIVID. Her pediatrician's office WILL be reimbursing us that money, I don't care how many people I have to raise heck with to get it. I called them this morning and reported what happened to the nursing staff, and was told by Melanie through another nurse that her results were totally normal. They had no idea where this first nurse got her information (!!!) I will be back Monday speaking with her main doctor and the office manager, filing a complaint. This is not the end.

I am, of course, SO THANKFUL that PaciBaby appears to be fine, but to go through that kind of hell for nothing is not going to be overlooked. No way.

So that is the story of how the last 36 hours have gone. Thankfully, she was great today with Chad while I was at work, and she is sleeping peacefully now. But my blood still boils.

Home From Tennessee!

Chad, PaciBaby, and I just returned from a five day trip to Tennessee to spend with his family - his father and sister had not gotten to meet the baby yet, as Mom and Josh had come out when she was born. It was a very long drive as always, nine hours each way. We left nearly 1 am last Wednesday night and drove through the night to arrive the next morning, then stayed until this past Tuesday morning.

Nana and PB, reunited

Grandpa meeting PB for the first time

Aunt Cassidy and PB

We had a great time there. We were able to relax a lot more during the day because his family was so wonderfully eager to help out with her. She only slept well for one night, though (getting up every four hours is considered a good night, a bad night is every ninety minutes or more).

Sunday morning we awoke to a beautiful snowfall before church:

Now, THAT is one of the zillions of reasons I miss living up north, or even just a little farther north. There are only 3 seasons here: hot, warm, and rainy.

PaciBaby was weighed on their home scale Friday morning, and she weighed in at a hefty 9.6 lbs! (9 lbs, 9 oz.) Today, a week later, she should be weighing in about ten pounds. She has her two-month well baby visit on Monday, so we will get the official measurements then! My little one is getting chunky. Speaking of chunky, diaper changes + chubby baby thighs = DESIGN FLAW.

I have all kinds of updates on her, but they will wait until the two-month letter. The biggest one, however, cannot wait - in the last two weeks, she has started "social smiling", then in the last 48 hours, those are REAL smiles, plus now she's cooing! It melts my heart every single time. I am so excited that she is developing so quickly - it's weeks earlier than we expected, based on her adjusted age! She has such a little personality now, and is much more alert and active. She responds to everything in her environment in some way.

She is such an adorable little monkey. More later!

First Month's Letter (sort of)

Tiny, precious, just-over-seven-pounds bundle of cute:

You turned six weeks old yesterday. Mama is a little behind on writing your first month's letter!

Oh, Caia. Having you home, here with us finally, has been such a whirlwind. I feel so blessed to have been chosen to be your mother, and terrified at the same time. I'm always kicking myself for doing this wrong, or that wrong, or "is it supposed to be this way?" or "does she want this or that?". I know that the basis of all you want is just food, sleep, clean diapers, warmth, and cuddling in Mommy or Daddy's arms, but I'm always looking for ways to stimulate your mind and help develop your muscles, and I don't want to put too much pressure on Daddy and I, or to take away from any time you just want to spend cuddling or napping in your Moses basket.

You are still this tiny, fragile little being of course, but you are developing rapidly. I noticed today that when I sit you upright to burp you on my lap, you can hold your head straight unassisted for at least several seconds, and look around. Daddy says you've been able to to do this for a couple of weeks, but I don't quite believe him. =) You can hold your head up when you are on your stomach for several seconds, too, and you are still practicing rolling over from your stomach to your back. I haven't seen you roll since we videotaped it five weeks ago, but Daddy says you've done it a few more times since. You continue to amaze us every day.

Your little personality is coming out in cute ways. You are not a fan of having hats on your head, and like to kick off socks very rapidly. When you fall asleep, if I leave your arms unswaddled, you will take your fists and hold them up by your face on each side, particularly your right side. This makes me smile every time because this was the position you were in when we got our 3-D ultrasound image of you - right hand in a fist by your cheek, and other arm under your chin in an L shape to the right arm. You make me laugh every day.

You haven't started to "social smile" yet, as some other babies do at your age, but your pediatrician says to wait that milestone out along with others, because your development will typically be a month behind to catch up with your gestational age. After all, you were due just sixteen days ago! Daddy and I can't wait until you smile at us - you are such a silly girl.

You started nursing from me last week, which amazed me to no end. We didn't continue it at every feeding thereafter, because my supply has been low. But now we have to stop breastfeeding/pumping altogether - I have a medical issue with my eyes who's medicine requires me to stop breastfeeding you. I am not happy about this at all, and feel terribly guilty, but I am trying to remind myself that we got six good weeks of antibodies and nutritional value, and that you will be just as healthy on straight formula from here on out. I have stopped pumping, and boy oh boy is it achy, but it's for the best. I will be treated here shortly and hopefully all will be well.

My baby daughter - I still sometimes can't believe that you are mine. I nuzzle my nose into your neck and inhale your sweet scent, and just close my eyes in wonder that you are half of me. You look more like me every day, after a strong resemblance to Daddy at birth. I wonder whose eye color you will have...?

We are packing up and taking a trip to TN in a week to go see Nana, Poppy, Aunt Cassi, and Uncle Josh, and Daddy and I are so excited! It will be a very long drive with you, but we are looking forward to it. We will get to spend four days with our family, passing you around for kisses and taking way too many pictures. I hope you have a blast, baby girl. We all love you so much.

Right now you are sleeping, and so I am going to take further advantage of this quiet time and maybe get a few minutes of a movie in. Sweet dreams, baby. I love you.

Mama

Caia's Birth Story

I figured it was about time to get Caia’s birth story processed in my mind and written down. It was such a surreal event, and I am afraid I will one day forget the details. I wish I had done this sooner than now; I’m sure I’ve forgotten some things already.

I had had the previous ultrasound the Friday before delivery, and got the news from Dr. Wentworth that I likely would deliver within the next week if things continued on the way they were. I went into the hospital Sunday afternoon after my blood pressure had gone to 170/110 at home the night before. They stabilized at the hospital, I was released, and I had another checkup on Monday.

It was Tuesday, December 30th. I had been on bedrest for eight days thus far, and there had been no change in my blood pressure readings. My protein levels were going up and down, and had peaked at +4 the previous Friday, and my OB doctors were beginning to get concerned about my blood tests. I went in for an appointment at 1030 that morning with Chad - thankfully, he had called in to the ambulance company to be able to accompany me. We ended up waiting nearly an hour and a half to be seen after my NST was performed, and were so anxious. We kept getting text messages from Mom and two of my girlfriends, all worried and waiting for news. Mom had her bags packed and was ready to hit the door if we got news that we were delivering that day.

Finally, Dr. Pirkle came in to see us after our crazy wait. She had been away on vacation the previous week, and I had seen Dr. Wentworth, Dr. Groves, etc. for the previous several appointments and thus far she had no idea that I was sick or on bedrest. We came in anticipating that she would go the conservative route anyway, seeing as she was always watching my health very carefully. By this point, I was having some headaches, I had been having visual changes for weeks prior already, and the scariest symptom had set in - I kept experiencing muscle weakness in my arms and legs. The night before, my legs went numb and I could not put weight on them for some time. That day, I could not feel the upper part of my left arm, and could not open my right hand. My central nervous system was beginning to be affected.

She asked us to come into her office, and we took a deep breath.

She went on to tell us that I should head on over to the L and D floor at the hospital. She wanted to get a 24-hour urine test taken to check my protein levels, because they had fluctuated so much, but warned us that there was a “90% chance you’ll have a baby in your arms in the next 24-48 hours”. If my liver tests came back bad at all, it was go time. We all agreed that a cesarean would probably be in my best interests, rather than trying to induce. I was not dilated or effaced at all three days prior, and induction would have taken 48 hours or more with no prior “readiness”.

Chad took me to the hospital to check in, and went home to grab the baby’s bag and pack mine for me since I was so stupid to not pack my own. I had warning and everything, people, and I still didn’t get it done! I think part of me just thought this would all blow over and I’d get my 2-3 more weeks with her inside.

I kept the subsequent text messages over the next few hours to help me keep track of the events that followed.

I arrived at the hospital about 1:30. Dr. Harris-Proctor was the doctor on call that day. I was very happy to hear this, she was my next choice to deliver my child besides Dr. P. The nurses set me up on the observation monitors and NST, and gave me the equipment I would need for the 24 hour urine test. Within about 35, 40 minutes, Dr. H-P arrived at the hospital and evidently reviewed my test results, because she gave the nurses the news that we were cancelling the urine tests and going ahead with a c-section within two hours, as soon as the rest of the blood tests came back. I texted Chad with a different message first, and nearly forgot to include the “hey, we’re delivering within two hours, get back here now!” part. I look back on this now and it makes me laugh - how did I manage that?

The observation room soon swarmed with nurses, anesthesiologists and assistants, and I was meeting more people than I could count. Chad soon arrived, bags in hand, ready to go. Around 3:45, he was given outerwear for the operating room and I was taken back.
I was terrified, petrified, of the spinal anesthetic. All I could think about was that needle. I walked into the OR (no need to be wheeled, that would have been overkill) with Chad and all those assistants by my side. Everyone was so kind and patient.

I was directed to sit up on the table and wrap myself around my belly, leaning forward for the anesthetic. I braced myself for pain. I felt the first stick, they called it a “bee sting” and that’s about all it was. That was the drug given to kill the pain of the bigger needle. Then the big one went in, and I did not feel a thing. I didn’t even know they were done until the warmth rushed through my legs, followed by a pins and needles feeling. I remember being told I was a “dream patient for an anesthesiologist”. J

Within minutes, I could not lift my legs. They had warned me ahead of time, but I started to panic. The assistant near my head was wonderful, she asked me what was wrong, held my hand, and tried to get me to calm down. My blood pressure tanked from the drugs, and I was given medication to bring it up and to help with the subsequent nausea. But I went into a panic attack quickly. I was really starting to freak out. It took a few minutes to calm down and realize that I wasn’t dying or being tortured.

Once I was really starting to become numb, Chad was brought in and he came to sit by my head on the right side, assistant on the left. The only pervading sensation left in my body from the chest down was the strange pins and needles feeling.

At 4:18 pm, Chad tells me, “She’s out! She’s crying!” I could not hear her crying over the voices of all the people in the room for about a minute, then I hear a glorious high-pitched wail. It was the most beautiful sound in the world, and I just start crying harder than I ever have in my life. They show her to me quickly before taking her to the warmer, and I am taken aback at how small she is, and of course I cry harder. Chad asks if I mind if he leaves my side to see her, and that’s when he snapped those gorgeous pictures. She was given an 8 and a 9 on the APGAR scale, and was breathing beautifully on her own. Once she’s all bundled up, they both return to my side for kisses.

It takes about 30 minutes for them to finish stitching me up, and I’m wheeled back to the recovery room. The remainder of the night is fuzzy in my memory. I’m given Pitocin to begin the uterus-shrinking process, morphine for pain (which is part of what made me forget the night), and magnesium sulfate to help reverse the pre-eclampsia. I stayed on the mag for 24 hours, and it was terrible. My legs remained numb and tingly the entire time I was on it, the Foley had to stay in, and I was bed-bound - besides feeling so strange.

Chad’s friend Jimmy and grandmother Linda came to see us within a few hours after delivery, and I do not remember Grandma Linda’s arrival. I remember her being there briefly and holding the baby, but I do not remember most of Jimmy’s visit or exit. What really hurts, though, is I remember Chad asking me if I wanted to hold my baby, since she had been passed around from the second she was born. I do not remember holding her for the first time. That kills me, and I want to re-do the entire night just to have that memory back.

I was moved to another room a couple of hours after surgery, closer to the nurses’s station since I was on the mag. Chad’s mom and brother Josh arrived around 1130 or midnight that night after Chad went to meet them down the road. I remember feeling bitter that I was still bed-bound and could not hold Caia while he was gone, since I could not be allowed to stay with her alone as long as I could not get out of bed.

Mom stayed with me in the hospital that night and Chad went home to stay with Josh. Chad stayed with me the rest of the hospital stay, it was just easier that night for him to stay with Josh since they had to set up Mom’s computer for work and such. Mom fell in love with Caia immediately. It was adorable.

The next evening by 5 pm, I was finally taken off of the magnesium and the Foley was taken out. By 8 pm, I was up and walking briefly to and from the bathroom. At 4 am, I was awakened to shower, FINALLY. It was a beautiful thing, and I will forever remember that being the best shower of my life, despite the crazy hour. (Due to the time frame of when I was taken off of medication and then walking.)

I have some residual frustrations and even a little anger towards a nurse or two. The nurse I had from 7 am to 7 pm on Wednesday, when I was still bed-bound, I still despise. She was scarcely around to check in on me, odd since I was still on the mag. I was not offered pain medication until late that evening by the 7 pm nurse, Heather. God bless Heather. I still had some medication via IV until that morning or so, but by the end of the day I should have taken some additionally orally, and since I didn’t, I paid for it that night. Heather was the young nurse that I will forever be grateful for. She is the one who helped me get up and walking, who helped me get a shower, made sure I got pain medication every four hours, etc. That girl had better have satin sheets and a wait staff in heaven.

I did not eat from Monday night at 5 pm until Wednesday night around 6 pm. That same terrible nurse was there at that time when my dinner tray finally arrived. Keep in mind I had not gotten out of bed yet. The tray was placed out of reach, and Chad, Mom and Josh were downstairs in the cafeteria. When I hit the call button for assistance, I was told my nurse would be paged. 15 minutes later, I was still eyeing my food hungrily with no help. I texted Chad desperately, angry at the lack of care. The sweet man left the cafeteria and rushed upstairs to help me. By the time he got there, I managed to reach far enough to grab the dinner roll off the tray. That was the best roll of my life. It also came with peach cobbler, my favorite. I take that as a partial peace offering to help keep me from shanking my nurse with the butter knife.

Friday morning, we were released about 11 am. That was the sweetest day; I so looked forward to getting home to curl up with my baby girl on the couch - which is exactly what I did once I walked in the door.

It has been an incredible whirlwind of a time since we returned home. We are getting into a routine, and am loving every minute with Caia, sometimes even at 4 am!

Every day is a blessing, and we look forward to what the next day brings. She is growing so fast and grows more beautiful each day. I will forever love this early time with her, and will cherish it. This will serve as an excellent reminder of what we went through together, and I think I will have this all printed and put in book-form for her, along with her letters.

I love you, little girl.

01/20/09

My sweet daughter - you are three weeks old today - January 20th, 2009. Today is an important day, one that will go down in history forever. At 12:05 pm today, I was feeding you on the couch, snuggled in blankets, while we watched Barack Obama say the vows to become our nation's 44th president - the first African-American president in America.

Now, Mommy and Daddy don't agree with most of what Mr. Obama stands for. But we've been down this road too many times already. The important thing is what he does for our country first and foremost - he opens doors to black children and adults around the country who feel they could never be President, that since it's never happened before, that it wouldn't happen in our lifetime anyway and why should they even hope? These fears have now been decimated. There is nothing that someone of a minority cannot do if they want it bad enough - Mr. Obama is proof enough of that.

We hope and pray together that our own personal fears will also be unfounded. But I cannot pretend that this scene does not touch my heart...the sight of Barack and his wife Michelle in that gorgeous sparkling yellow dress and jacket, walking down the street hand in hand as part of the Inaugural Parade, waving to the crowd that is packed like sardines in a can. People are jammed into windows, on balconies, on the streets, in doorways, on shoulders, anywhere they can get a vantage point of this man and his wife.

I am so, so glad that you will grow up never knowing a time where the fear of recurring racism keeps people from trying to achieve their wildest dreams. I hope to God ignorance and fear are dying today.

What A Week

It's now after midnight, and so technically, it's been thirteen days since I gave birth to Peanut. (Yes, that has been her nickname since I first laid eyes on her - it fits perfectly.)

She is a dream, though we have spent a lot of time at the pediatrician's office this week, and tomorrow (today) we have another appointment, then another on Wednesday. She is spitting up/vomiting about a third of her meals, and subsequently is only eating about half of what she was eating and is beginning to lose weight (she lost an ounce between Friday and Saturday). Now the ped is having us add powdered formula to my bottled breastmilk for her to amp up the calories she takes in, for as long as she continues to eat less. It worries us, and I get upset every time she loses half of her milk. Tonight was terrifying - she kept sneezing it out of her nose after she threw up and couldn't clear it all out of her lungs adequately. She's too little for these problems, and it scares me to pieces. The doctor told us Friday that an option may be having to hospitalize her and have her gavage-feed...which is putting a tube down her throat to take in half of her meals, then bottle-feeding the other half. I put my foot down, adamantly. I will make her well, at home, if I possibly can. I will die before my daughter gets hospitalized under my watch - unless of course she truly had to do it. But for now it's just an option.

In other news, we are sleep-deprived, cranky, and tomorrow Chad goes back to work, but besides all of this, we are blissfully happy. Nothing and no one could have prepared us for the level of intensity of the love we have for this little girl. She is wholly-consuming, but all I have to do is watch her pucker up her lips and raise her eyebrows to wrinkle her brow at me - what I call her "kiss face" - and I realize that it's all completely worth it.

I have to get the "kiss face" photographed, it is totally priceless.

My devotion and incredible love for her is something I could never have imagined, truly. She is half of me and half of Chad, and together we've created something so sweet, so enthralling, that it's like she was always a part of our lives. But for me, one of the best parts of this entire experience is watching Chad become a father. He fell in love with her from the first second, and he is totally crazy about her. He covers her in kisses, snuggles with her on the couch, even babytalks her. (Shhh, don't tell him I told you!) I think I fall in love with him more every day the more I watch him with her.

She is still firmly in preemie clothes, but we are hoping she starts to pack on the weight soon. Length-wise, she's at capacity for those clothes and when she starts to get longer, she will have to move to newborn clothes whether they fit her around the middle or not! As of...Thursday?...she was still 18.5 inches long, but I imagine that will start to increase soon. She finally hit her birthweight Friday.

It's now nearing 130 am, and though this is a regular hour for me now, I'm exhausted. I am asking for prayer though. A situation has exploded back home, and I very nearly hopped a plane yesterday. Caia is the only reason I didn't. So please, keep my family in your prayers - we could use all we can get in a dark time. For now, I will delight in baby kisses and husband kisses, and be grateful for the family I have created for myself, and thank God above for it.

Recovery

My recovery has been sort of slow-going, but I am doing well. The ibuprofen I took last night was the only pain medicine I've needed in the last 48 hours or so. There is only real incision pain now when I cough, which is frequent because I am still getting over the bronchitis. I have a postpartum checkup on Wednesday, and I am certain everything is fine. The incision itself is crazy to see, and the skin surrounding is still numb. Does that ever come back, c-section mamas?

In excellent news, in thirteen days I've lost 24 lbs! I only have 18 more to go to hit my pre-pregnancy weight, and it would be great to be able to lose ten or fifteen more on top of that. It's all from breastfeeding and not having time to eat, of course. This silly girl keeps us from getting a lot done!

Today is the first day I've been on my own with Caia, and so far, so good. I was up with her until 230 (and with Chad), and then up again at 5, 7, and 10:30, taking naps in between. She is awaking for feedings now, which is a relief. We no longer need to set confusing alarms between the two of us. She had a doctor's appointment at 1115, and we were ten minutes late on account of her spitting up all over herself literally the second we walked out the door. Oh, the life of a parent! Aren't you all excited to go out and have kids now?

Today she checked in at four pounds, 14 oz - three ounce gain in two days, so the adding formula to breastmilk is working thus far. She'll have another weight check in one week. We all can't wait for her to break the relieving five pound mark!

Alright, I think it's naptime again. Hope you all are well!

She's here!

Caia Annaliese was born 12/30/08 at 4:18 pm, via a quickly decided c-section. She was 4 lbs, 12 oz, and 18.5 inches long. The miracle is, she was four weeks early and so small, but completely healthy and perfect. We spent four days in the hospital and came home Friday afternoon together.

I am still on Percocet and am recovering well, but don't feel up to writing everything out at the moment. Birth story will be coming as soon as possible, plus of course, pictures!

Love you all, thank you all so much for the congratulations and well-wishes. I am happier than I have ever been, and completely in love with this tiny little wonder

About PaciBaby

PaciBaby's real name is Caia, and as her blogname might suggest, she refuses to try life without a pacifier. My husband was locking in her carseat into our car one afternoon, noticed the half a dozen scattered pacifiers all over the seat, and remarked, "This is a pacifier graveyard - where the good ones go to die." Thus, the inspiration behind this blog.


She was born December 30th, 2008 at 4:18 pm, four weeks early. She weighed in at 4 lbs, 12 oz and was 18.5 inches long. She came via emergency cesarean after I developed severe pre-eclampsia at 34 weeks and was placed on strict bedrest and medication. Neither approached worked, so we welcomed our little girl into the world a little earlier than expected!

She was born beautifully healthy, just a little jaundiced and with reflux, and on the small side. We spent four days in the hospital recovering together, then went home on a rainy Friday afternoon with Daddy, Nana, and Daddy's brother Joshua.

She was diagnosed with torticollis and positional plagiocephaly at her two month appointment, and has been having weekly physical therapy appointments. She has been responding beautifully in all ways but the shape of her head. A helmet may be prescribed at her four month appointment to help the process along.

PaciBaby loves to be close to me and Daddy in a sling, in our arms, or curled up in bed next to us. I practice most tenents of Attachment Parenting, and though it's resulting in a child who now screams if I leave the room for five seconds to even think about a shower, she is an affectionate, smiley baby who loves to interrupt her parents' sleep and showers, but rewards us with big, open-mouthed grins.

Here's to the future with a gorgeous albeit high-maintenance child!